At the age of 16 I some how became a super health instagram food posting gym going 'fitspo' person. Eating vegetables, fruit, quinoa and the occasional, matcha-hemp powder-goji berry smoothie, was the daily low down of nutriance. I got really involved with cooking, and enjoying exercising; but after 6 months of this clean body clean mind mantra, one day I recall looking in the mirror and thinking how can girls who eat Maccie D's 3 times a day have a thinner body than I do. It isn't fair. I don't understand. I pondered over my frame nit picking bits, my thighs, my stomach, my legs. I was warping my own views of my body because they didn't fit to 'ideals'.
So I began to cut things out. Cutting down my food or changing my eating habits was the only way I thought I could look, feel and be great. Slowly I began to cut out food groups, first sugar, then carbs, then dairy. Before I knew it I was surviving off 130g walnuts and Redbull.
I had this sickening empowerment the sense that I could decided things for myself and make a difference to my body. But I wasn't in charge at all I had no power, no energy I couldn't just wake up one morning and be like this is over now, I had be well and truly sucked in.
I started to become very sneaky and deceptive, hiding food and setting up scenes as if id eaten. Having anorexia completely annihilated my social life I went from being a lively person with friends to a secluded silence.
I missed out on so much; friends birthday meals, nights out; as I was to concerned that there was 96 calories in a Vodka soda lime. I had brutal anxiety whenever social situations came up involving eating and would frequently suffer with panic attacks
I slowly began to break down, I would go into school and just lay with my head on the desk purely because I had no energy to move, I had no concentration or the compel to communicate with others. I was incredibly cold and moody and cried. a lot. to the point I couldn't sleep, id built up this immense wall when i knew that all i would have to do is eat and id feel better but i couldn't i had this mental block and this white noise preventing me.
After around a year of this battle decided that something needed to change, I had never directly vocalised my illness though I knew people had there suspicions, i confined in a person and asked them what I should do they suggested that I got help. I booked an appointment with a GP I didn't know and told them through some tears the low down of the situation. I was weighed and measured and was told that I was still at a healthy weight but would go to get a psychiatric examination (scary right).
This idea that i was 'normal' that I was still the same as everyone else, That i'd gone through this excruciating time and it made no difference? It made me so much hungrier to 'win' I wanted to show people how distraught I felt on the inside externally
before my first appointment at the psychiatric hospital I completely fasted for 4 days.
One of the first questions the doctor asked me was "whats the most important thing in your life right now" I bluntly answered 'being skinny'
I initially had 3 sessions a week at the hospital : one on one therapy, Nutritional appointments and group discussion.
I feel like one on one appointments worked best for me - aside for the 'scream at the chair as if it was you eating disorder, tell it how you feel' session, "shout at it, shout at it" she said. Nutritional for me was pointless, telling someone who hasn't eaten a proper meal in months that they should be consuming a full english 3 'Petit Filous' and a roast dinner isn't helpful.
But group was the worst, Some 'proana' blogs refer to eating disorders as "playing the game" one where the thinnest wins. Well putting 15 or so girls all with insecurities and mental disorders in a room together, just encouraged them all to play. Although discussing diets, calories and measurements was banned it didn't stop us. After 5 weeks in group I saw this negativity asked to leave. Whilst in therapy I lost a further 2 stone
After a year things slowly started getting better, I became happier, I got a place at university and noticed that there were more important things in my life that fitting an ideal that was never designed for me. I slowly began to increase my diet starting with liquids, then my 'paste based diet' and then I remember like the back of my hand the day I ate cous-cous.
I am now a healthy and happy size 10. Although I do sometimes look at an old skirt or trousers and wish I was still that small there is nothing on this earth that would ever want to get back to that place. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
If you or anybody you know seems that they're slipping into bad eating habits please see if you can help them. Don't make a big fuss or shout about it, make somebody feel embarrassed or ashamed. Four out of ten individuals have either personally experienced an eating disorder or know someone who has. So you're not alone. I wish you the healthiest and happiest life you can have.
You're body is perfect just the way it is.
You're body is perfect just the way it is.
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